It’s really sad when I finally acknowledge the fact that I’m just not good enough, and yet, I still have to put up a front and pretend I’m okay with that. Sure, I tell myself I don’t care much about excelling in this one particular thing because heck, I’m better at other things in life! But it does turn out, that certain things matter more, and it just so happens that it doesn’t go my way for those things.
Perhaps I want more than the effort I’m willing to put in, or maybe I’m just not talented enough. Regardless, this quarter has been pretty miserable because reality is finally striking me. It is telling me straight in the face, like a Howler from Harry Potter - you know the red letter Ron received for driving that flying car? - that this is where I am, and this is where I’m going to be for the rest of the year.
People say it’s healthy to talk to people about your problems. I have considered that, but then I think a little more and realize that it actually doesn’t help. I mean, some problems are personal and nothing anyone says can do anything. What are you expecting to hear? “Oh I’m so sorry. No, that’s not true. You can do this!” I really appreciate their concern, but in the end, these words are not going to change anything, which is of great importance to a practical person like me.
I think the worst part of it all is that I’m constantly reminded of my mediocrity - every single second. All I want is to be praised and be good at something. I want to be Harry Potter who finds out he is the brilliant wizard; i want to be like Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries and discover that I’m special.
First week of school starts tomorrow but I feel like I’ve already been through a lot more for it to only be Week 1. Things have gotten better over the days. I started off feeling down about having to do a 20k and fixing my car, leaving my sisters and all, but now that things have finally settled, I’m pretty much at ease.
I promised to change and try new things this year. Hopefully, lady luck will shine on me this week.